Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:01]:
Hello, fabulous. It's Dr. Stephanie Fein here with weight loss for fertility. And Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Amazing, isn't it? Thanksgiving can be so full of happy memories and laughs and food and family. And also it can be fraught. Maybe this is the first year that you'll be at your in laws instead of your parents. Or the first year without a beloved relative.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:28]:
Or maybe it's the first while going through fertility treatments. Or the third. It can be so challenging to do big family gatherings when we're having a rough start to parenthood. Sometimes we feel just fine and sometimes not. And sometimes we can handle aunt Mabel pinching our cheeks and asking us questions. And sometimes we can't. So I want to talk about making the decision about Thanksgiving this year. And by the way, that goes for any holiday.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:58]:
And then how to be okay with that decision when the day rolls around. It's one thing to make the decision, which certainly can be challenging, but sometimes maybe not. But how to be okay with that decision for the rest of the time between when you make the decision and when the holiday rolls around. That's what I want to talk about today. And the reason I want to talk about that is it's a great skill to have. It's one that builds the relationship with ourselves. It increases trust rather than tears it down. And when we're increasing, strengthening the relationship we have with ourselves, we make decisions better.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:41]:
When we make decisions better, we could use that power for anything. And around here we talk about weight loss. It makes weight loss so much easier. When we have our own back, we can do anything and that includes weight loss. So first things first, we have to make the decision, yes or no. Now remember, things aren't always so black and white. But on some level we have to make some decisions about Thanksgiving. So are we going to go to Thanksgiving the way it normally is? If yes, what is the best case scenario? So in your mind I want you to play with the variables like the people who are going to be there, the location, the length of time, your self care around it, like how much sleep you can get, what foods you can bring, all that stuff.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:26]:
And then when you have a picture of the best case scenario, the reality of your situation. We're not going into future Thanksgivings right now. That's a, that could be useful and fun, but that's not what we're talking about right now. We're looking at the best case scenario for the real life situation that you're in when you have that picture. Can you make that happen? What I Mean by that is, do you have influence over the guest list? Like if you ask for someone not to be there, would they not be there? Do you have any influence over the location? Can you have it at your house? Or is it only always at your mom's or your mother in law or whatever? How long do you have to stay? Do you have any power over that? Like do you have to travel there and you're staying a certain number of days or can you just pop into Thanksgiving and stay for an hour or two and then leave? Like, do you have control over the variables that matter to you? And if you do. Amazing. Make those requests or decide that you know just with your partner and you're done. Great, amazing.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:33]:
And if you don't have any influence over those things, then are they a deal breaker? And that's important to really sit in given I know exactly. Uncle Joe is always drunk and it always ends in a fight. And if you've said to yourself before, like, I'm just not going to do it, this may be the year you're deciding not to do it. And that could be Uncle Joe being there could be a deal breaker for you. Very important to know. Okay, so then it's a no. So we're making the decision about Thanksgiving. Either we're going, we're not going, how we're going, what sort of decisions.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:20]:
I don't want to say boundaries, but like what limitations you are putting in place. And then you'll make the decision and you want to like your reasons for the decision. This is actually a really important piece. It means being clear on the reasons for your decision. And there could be many and you'll want to know what they are. So some examples for going are, I want to be there for mom or grandma, or I'm bringing the turkey. Or you know, there could be a whole bunch of reasons. I enjoy it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:57]:
I mean, there's a lot of reasons to go, right? If you have those reasons, amazing. And if you're deciding not to go or you're limiting your exposure to it, the reasons can include that protection for yourself, that you're emotionally tender, or that you don't like the way so and so treats so and so, or that you're supporting your spouse, you have their back. Or it could be cost. We're not going this year because we can't afford it. They're just as long as you know the reasons and then you like the reason. If you don't like that cost is the reason, you could come up with something creative or ask for some help or. I don't know. I'm just saying if you don't like your reason, then maybe there's something to be done about it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:44]:
But if you like your reason, amazing. We want to end up liking our reason because we don't like our reason. It's too wishy washy. The decision isn't clear enough. Sort of drawing a line in the sand about the decision. I'm not saying drawing a line in the sand about your family. That's up to you. You definitely can do that if you want.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:10]:
But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about making the decision. Once we make it, we get to be clear about it. And that feels so much better than being unclear and confused. And then our brain plays with that. It takes advantage of that vulnerability. It's important to know and like your reasons because then you'll be prepared to tell your loved ones if you want. If telling your loved ones is part of how you're going to let them down easy, then amazing.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:43]:
When you're clear on them, then, then they can be clear to others and you can be firm in them. Like that's my reason, you know, sort of period, end of sentence. But you also could just say that you're not coming. There's. There's no reason that you have to share your reasons. I just want you to have them for your own self. But the main reason why I want you to know and like your reasons is because you'll be prepared for the brain when it plays its tricks on you. So a decision like this can sometimes be very clear.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:18]:
Like, oh yeah, I'm not. I told them last year I wasn't going to go if this happened and this happened. So I'm not going. It feels very easy. Okay, amazing. Or I always love to go, everything's fine, no problem, I'm going. Amazing. But if you're making a decision that feels a little tricky, it's different this year potentially then we.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:37]:
We want to be able to be clear about our reasons so that we can be prepared for the brain. The brain will very likely. I wrote. I had written definitely when I was writing my notes and then I eased back on definitely. Although I secretly think definitely, but maybe not. There may be some people who have no problem. They make the decision. It's super easy, even though it's a new decision.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:02]:
Fantastic. But in my experience, my brain will be either very loud or subtle with its undermining of the decision that I've made. It will most likely happen at some point, whether loudly or subtly, the brain will find a way to second guess your decision. And it could be really loud, especially if you're choosing wellness like your own mental health, or your wellness over the desire of others. And if that is a new thing for you, it can feel really wobbly. That's why being prepared for this is really helpful. It also could be really subtle if you are pretty convinced it's a good idea. But then you could have those little sort of nagging thoughts, doubts in there.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:59]:
And we want to be prepared for it. So the brain may be resistant and it will give you arguments why you should do it differently than you've decided to do it. Like the way that you used to do it. It'll say to do that. Remember, the brain loves to be comfortable and predictable. And if you've always done it one way, then it will always want you to do that. Just because it knows what to expect, it feels safe, even, I mean, ironically, even if it's not actually safe. But if it's comfortable, if we're used to it, it's amazing what we put up with.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:31]:
But if you're no longer willing to put up with it, the brain's like a little concerned that you're changing things. It feels dangerous to change things. And just so you know, that's why the brain is doing this. It does not like change. But we know that change can be good for us, especially when we like our reasons for doing it right. So the thoughts, the arguments that the brain will give you may sound really reasonable, but they are not reasonable given the fact that you've already made the decision right? So when you thoughtfully made your decision, you took mom and stepdad and brothers all into account, you thought that through. It wasn't like you just made the decision for no reason. When you're thinking about this, you're thinking about it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:21]:
You know all the players, you know what's going to happen, and that went into your decision. So once you've made the decision, having your brain second guessing you is not helpful. You already thought that through, thank you very much. So these reasonable, I'm putting that in air quotes, arguments or nagging thoughts, it's just smoke and mirrors for your brain to try to get you to, to go back to what you usually do. But you consider the options when you made the decision and you had good reasons. And we want you to remind yourself of those reasons. That's why we're going to be clear about the reasons. Literally.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:05]:
You can write them down because your brain will do this and we don't. And the reason we're talking about this is because it's a version of suffering, is to question your decision over and over and over again. Once you make the decision it's made. We don't have to live in that messy, uncomfortable place. Your brain will have you think that you do. Oh, we have to think about it again. Oh, we really should reconsider. No, you've considered it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:34]:
We don't need to do that. This is really new concept for a lot of us, this idea that we don't have to let our brains run around unattended. It's like my mentor calls it a toddler with a knife. Like, we love the toddler. The toddler has no idea what it's doing with a knife. It does not realize how dangerous a knife is. And that's what our brain does when it brings it up again and again and again and again. We have to manage our brain just like we'd have to manage a toddler with a knife.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:06]:
Lovingly but firmly. And that's what we have to do with our brains in this scenario. Particularly in the scenario where our brains keep second guessing our decision and have us be miserable in the. I'm not sure what I should do. Yes, you do. You made a decision. It may not be the most comfortable thing, but you like your reasons and you're going to stick with it. Now, of course, there could be new circumstances that come up that have you change your mind.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:37]:
That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about nothing has changed. Everyone's still the same. Mom's bummed, but that's not news. We knew that that was that factored into our original decision. So once you've made the decision, you're going to make a second one. And that is to decide not to tolerate that second guessing voice, not to give it air time. And that will take some discipline on your part.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:14]:
And it looks like this whenever the sneaky voice comes in. And here's the clue, you'll know it because it feels terrible. It just. It really does not feel good. If you notice you're starting to feel upset or uncomfortable, there's like, it's like a guilt shame mix. And you might feel the feeling first before you even realize that the brain is giving you thoughts about this. But if you notice the feeling and then look around a bit, you will likely see the thought that's sneaking in. But what about this? Did you think about this? So and so will be so disappointed you already knew all those things, those are not new thoughts.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:05]:
So when we notice the voice, and we may have noticed it because of the feeling, then we actually meet it with kindness and understanding, but with certainty and wisdom, like a wise, benevolent parent. And that's exactly what I was saying with the toddler, right? You're going to, you're going to get the toddler, you're going to, he can't run around with the knife, but you're not going to be mad at him. You're going to say, oh sweetie, come here. Oh, you don't, you don't realize we can't play with that. So how we talk to our brain, this is an example, when the thoughts come in of, you know, maybe we should reconsider, we say things to it like, oh, I was expecting you, I was expecting that doubt thought, oh, it's so good to see you, I was expecting you. Here, take this puzzle or a cup of cocoa or teddy bear and go cuddle in the corner. I've got it from here, that I've got it from here is the bigger version of you, the one that is comfortable knowing what's best. It's that kind, benevolent parent.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:32]:
And it does have the situation. And when that part of your brain can be calmed like this, like I've got you, it is calmed by that. I mean, who wouldn't be very calming to have someone say I got you. And we want to be able to do that for ourselves. So you're going to calm the voice, have it sit in the corner, reassure it. And if you need to or want to, you remind it of the reasons that you made the decision. And what you're doing is you're reminding yourself of the reasons that you made the decision and you're reminding yourself that you decided not to tolerate the voice, the second guessing voice. And when you're reminding yourself of that, it's not in an aggressive way, but it's clear and calm and certain.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:25]:
Like that. I also think of like a grandmother, like with a big lap, you know, like a very loving grandmother. So she wouldn't be aggressive, she would be clear and calm and certain. And you remind yourself, I'm sitting this one out because I'm too tender right now or I'm going to be with grandma. And I love that reason. And when we do this, the noticing, the deciding, the reassuring with kindness, when we do this over and over again, as many times as necessary, we're training our brain to question our decisions less, less often and we're building trust with ourselves that helps us in every area of life, when we have a trusting relationship with ourselves, it's not only about Thanksgiving decisions or food decisions, it's everywhere. And by the way, a mini version of this, noticing, reassuring, having our back, liking, our reasons, a mini version of this is what builds trust with our eating and food. When we plan our food ahead of time and we like our reasons for choosing the foods that we chose, we gently handle with confidence the voices that are trying to distract us.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:52]:
It's so much easier when we've made a clear decision and then we can recognize that voice that's doubting us, that's second guessing us as just that, the second guessing voice, the unhelpful voice, the toddler with a knife. And then we just get our grandma self and we reassure ourselves that we've got us, we're thinking highly of us, we love ourselves, we trust ourselves. We made a decision and we're sticking with it. And this is how to lose weight without restriction or deprivation. Building a stronger relationship with ourselves. I want you to know, you are amazing. Whatever you're deciding to do this holiday is the right decision. I want to say that twice.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:18:46]:
Whatever you're deciding to do this holiday is the right decision. Whether that's staying home or minimizing interactions or going all in, but not responding to certain questions or responding to every question or anything, any combo in between there. Once you decide what to do, also decide to have your own back. There has to be two decisions, the decision and the decision to have your own back. This goes for the bigger picture and what you decide to eat. Because we're talking about Thanksgiving, the holidays often have food associated with it. We never beat ourselves up for decisions that we've made because we want to preserve the relationship we have with ourselves. And the relationship is to be cherished and protected.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:19:33]:
Because if it is, it can be a source of comfort and stability and trust and reliability. It can be our confidence, our center, our core. Now just a moment. Note that it may turn out to be a mess. We may decide, oh, I didn't make the right decision afterwards. Now check that you're not beating yourself up, but you may have gotten new information and that is not a problem. No matter how it turns out. We do not beat ourselves up over decisions we've made in the past, especially when we made them thoughtfully.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:18]:
But what we can decide after that is to do it differently next time. And that's fair. We made a decision the best we could with the information we had. It didn't go the way we wanted, but now we have new information, so we will decide differently next time. Amazing. That's the best we can do. We don't scold ourselves for the past. There is nothing that can be done about the past.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:47]:
So the only helpful thing is to protect the relationship and decide to do it differently next time. So whatever you decide to do this Thanksgiving, I hope you have the most wonderful and meaningful holiday ever. All this stuff can go for any of the holidays coming up. So think about it, use it, refine it, and always let me know about that. I would love to know how that goes. Oh my goodness, that would be amazing. You can find me at Stephanie Fine, MD, on Instagram or LinkedIn, and you can reach out to me on my website, stephaniefinemd.com and until next week, which will be only a couple of days before Thanksgiving, I am sending you so much love.
