Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:01]:
Hello, fabulous. It's Dr. Stephanie Fein here with Weight Loss for Fertility. And it is holiday time. We're in the thick of it. Just coming up right around the corner. And so I've never done a podcast on food pushers before, so today's the day because we often can encounter them in this season. Food pushers.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:24]:
Have you ever been confronted by one of them? Most of us have. I'm going to talk about it. So this came to my attention most recently because a client had a situation with an older sibling who was trying. Who was not trying to lose weight. The sibling was not trying to lose weight. And she always pushed her leftovers on my client, but, like, over and over and over again. And another person I was listening to, Corinne Crabtree of no BS Weight Loss. I don't know if you know her, she's really fun.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:59]:
She lost £100. And she was telling the story of her mother who made, I think, like a special type of pudding around Christmas time. And when she was losing weight, she never liked the pudding very much, by the way, but she always ate it. She was heavy growing up, and then, as I said, lost a hundred pounds. And so when she was doing that, she wanted to tell her mom that she wasn't going to have the pudding. And her. She remembers her mother actually saying, I can't tell you what a disappointment it is when you don't eat my pudding. She actually said those words.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:33]:
And just as a side note, years later, when she talked to her mom about it, she didn't even remember doing it, which I think is interesting. But the third scenario is a familiar one with parents with kids like the Clean Plate Club. That whole idea and the, and the way that they do that is talking about starving children in other parts of the world. So the sort of guilting kids into eating. And these are three examples of common scenarios. And we're going to talk about how to handle food pressures. And these examples help us see what I'm about to talk about. So the most important thing to me about this is understanding the motivation around it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:21]:
The real motivation around food pushers is that they are trying to get their emotional needs met through you. And it's actually not personal. They're just outsourcing them, handling their emotions. The story they are telling themselves about the food is creating an emotion that's uncomfortable inside them and they want to offload it and you happen to be there and you're ripe for the, for the manipulation, basically. I know this sounds harsh, but to me it's really an important Exploration, because when we understand it, we can handle it with so much more ease. We don't take it as personally. And we can have more compassion, which is something we're always looking for for other people. That's nice, but I'm always looking for more compassion for us.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:20]:
And when what goes around comes around. So here I'm going to go into even more detail. So with scenario three, which was the parents wanting children to finish their plate and talking about other people starving, which of course, when we think about it, has nothing to do with the food on the plate at that meal right that minute, but it's a manipulation. The anxiety is that the kids aren't getting enough nutrition, right? That the parents are worried that the kids aren't eating enough. And then if their kid doesn't get enough nutrition, it means that they're a bad parent or that they are have failed in some way. And these are really terrible feelings to experience that you're, that you're failing, that you're not serving your kids in the best way. And to offload that feeling to sort of fix it. We can guilt or force kids into finishing their plate.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:20]:
And we think it's for a good reason, right? It's for their own good, putting that also in quotes. But we can see, many of us are examples of this, that it sets up, not listening to our bodies for hunger, right? We're looking externally to know when we're time to eat, when it's time to stop. And that's detrimental down the road. But it comes from a place of fear and anxiety on the part of the parent. Now, of course, I can't know the inside of each particular parent, but this is a common, a reasonable theory as to what they're thinking. And a lot of this, by the way, of course, is unconscious. Not all of us know how we're feeling at any given time. We just know we're uncomfortable.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:11]:
Or there is an anxiety there and then that causes us to try to change the situation because it feels so uncomfortable. And the way we change the situation is that we have another human chew food and swallow it so I can feel better. It just doesn't make a lot of sense. I mean, it does if you know the emotional motivations for it. I don't want to feel like a bad parent. I don't want to feel like I'm letting down my kid. I want to make sure they're healthy. Then we can see where it comes from.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:49]:
And that makes a big difference when we're dealing with the food pushers. When we know it's not a cruelty, it's more of a desperation on their part. So scenario two, which was Corinne Crabtree's mom who actually said that she's disappointed in her daughter, she doesn't eat her food, which often you don't get that direct of a, of a sentence. I mean, that's the sort of the implied idea, but this was really pretty direct. If your job is like you were responsible for cooking Thanksgiving dinner, then and it can be very hard. Maybe you don't like cooking or maybe you do like cooking, but still it's very time consuming and it's, it's a lot of effort, it's tiring. You know, there's a lot of things. Your payment for the effort you put in is others enjoyment.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:44]:
Now that isn't really it, but that can be the setup. And people show their enjoyment of the food by finishing or asking for more or saying, oh, it's just so good, I can't help myself. That sort of implies it's a testament to how great the cook is, right? It's, it's like payment for services rendered. It can even mean how great a parent you are or how loved you are. Some people will take that to mean I am loved or I am not loved. So if you don't finish a plate, it means you don't like my food, it means you don't like my offering, it means you don't like me. Again, not all of this is conscious, but this is why we get the food pushers. This is why we get people desperate for someone else to chew and swallow food.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:41]:
It's really very interesting if you look at it this way. It's really very interesting like how could someone else chewing and swallowing food affect me? This is how if their identity or their worth or their is tied up in their food and your eating more of it means they are loved more. I think we can agree that that is not the case. That's not actually true. But subconsciously, unconsciously, people can think that. And that's where the motivation for pushing food comes from. But when we examine it like this, we can see you can absolutely love someone to the ends of the earth and not want another bite of stuffing. It's two different things.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:36]:
People who need that external validation or they're used to getting it, this is where it gets mixed up. It's a version of anxiety is what it is. And we can really see it. In my client's scenario with her sister now, I definitely don't know what the sister is thinking. I'm far removed from that. But we can think about it. We can project that there's some sort of anxiety there and she's transferring her anxiety. She's sharing her anxiety with her sister.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:12]:
When she keeps offering her food for some reason, that food being gone will make the sister feel better. We don't know exactly why, but we can think about. There could be something about wasting food. There could be something about seeing her sister enjoy something. There could. It's. There could be potential reasons. There are some other ones, like maybe she doesn't.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:36]:
She no longer knows how to interact with her sister. So the habit she's always had is, here, have some food. Maybe she doesn't have anything else to talk about. So these are all versions of anxiety, like a social anxiety or a boredom or like I said, anxiety about wasting food. It's transferring the anxiety that she's feeling and sharing it with her sister. No, thank you. I don't need any more anxiety. Thank you very much.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:10]:
It is not personal to you. This is a really important point. When food pushers come, they are happy to have food push on anyone who's around. Usually. Now, certainly it could be specific to you. If you're one of the only ones around, or if you have a particular relationship with that person, it may be more meaningful in their mind that you chew and swallow it rather than other people chew and swallow it. But the truth is, it's not personal. It's about without this uncomfortable feeling that the food pushers don't want to feel, and they're looking for a way to change how they feel.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:48]:
If you weren't around, they'd probably be asking someone else to chew and swallow the food. But here is. This is the most important piece. It is not your responsibility to fix people's feelings. In fact, it's impossible for that to happen because it's their responsibility, just like it's our responsibility to fix or deal with our feelings. And that's a really, really important piece. Now, there's a nuance here, right? So it can be that if for some reason I am having anxiety about a food that I made and I wanted to make sure it was good, and I'm looking for people to tell me that it's good, I certainly can ask. I can say, oh, would you like some more? And then you get to answer genuinely, and then I get to accept that answer, that is a fine scenario.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:52]:
Oh, would you like some more? No, thank you. Okay, there, that's beautiful. Would you like some more? And then if someone thinks, oh, If I don't eat this, they're going to feel bad, so I'm going to eat it. That's where we start to get into this. These scenarios and anxieties and sharing them and everything. And that's where it gets to feel really uncomfortable. But as we go through our weight loss journey in general, we want to start getting in touch with our own feelings. This is why we use the hunger scale that we're checking in with our hunger.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:27]:
That's a physical feeling. While we're doing that, we're also noting other feelings we can start to feel when we're bored or anxious, when we're sad, when we're happy. Knowing that is so important because then we can deal with those feelings directly. If we're bored, we do an activity. If we're sad, we get a hug, right? We don't have to eat them anymore. It is our responsibility to know what our feelings are and to deal with them directly. And ideally, I'm making the request as openly and clearly and cleanly as possible, not as a manipulation. And then we have the other person who is hopefully feeling clean and clear about how they're feeling, their hunger level, their presence, and then they can respond to a question, a genuine question, genuinely, oh, yes, I would like some more of that.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:31]:
Or, oh, no, I would not, period. Then it's not pushing, it's just asking. And people are certainly allowed to ask questions. And then what we want ultimately is to hear it cleanly, not covered in all sorts of other meanings, and then respond genuinely. That's what we're looking to do. And once we realize all of this, like that their emotions are theirs and we have ours and we can be clean in the way that we're thinking and then respond genuinely, we can also respond with compassion, with love. We can see maybe from how we know the person, what they're really asking for or what they really want. Again, not our responsibility.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:29]:
But if you see it, we can respond in a way of like, oh, no, thank you, I don't want any more cake. But boy, is that delicious. Can I have that recipe? Or you're a fantastic baker, one of my favorites. Or here's a hug. You do such a beautiful job. And that can be genuine and a beautiful connection point. And you didn't have to chew and swallow anything that you didn't want to, right? If you want to. More power to you.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:05]:
So three ways to handle food pushers when you don't want the food. If you want the food, have the food. Amazing. That works out Great. Even if it's giving them something they want, you want it. It's a want match. As my mentor says, they want you to have it, you want it. Beautiful.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:23]:
No problem. What we're talking about here in terms of three ways to handle food pushers is when you don't want the food. So first way is a polite no, thank you. No explanation needed. You certainly can add a smile or a compliment if you'd like to. You do not have to, but that could be lovely. If it's genuine, it comes from you. The second way to handle food pushers when you don't want the food is you can say, no, thank you and have an explanation.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:57]:
And my favorite explanation is always the truth. So the truth can be I don't like it. And you're, you're welcome to say the truth always. You don't have to either. In terms of if you don't like it, you can come up with something else. And actually that's going to be number three. But you can say, I don't like it. But you can also say, I'm not hungry if that's the truth.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:21]:
And that is a very good explanation. Oh, I'm not hungry, or I'm full, or oh, I've had enough. And the I've had enough works out, I think, really well because it can be loosely interpreted. I've had enough because I don't like it anymore, or I don't want anymore. I've had enough. No, thank you. A brief explanation. I'm not hungry, I'm full, or I've had enough.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:49]:
And then with these two, with one and two, there may be. Ideally, we have a willingness to tolerate their reaction. And their reaction is it comes from the fact that they're still holding that uncomfortable feeling that they had. They, they offered, they wanted to share it with you. You did not accept it, nice job. And so now they're sort of stuck with the uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes it's very hard for us to stand in our. This sounds so cliche, but stand in our truth, meaning you really don't want it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:32]:
And then be in the face of them sort of reacting in a way that feels uncomfortable to you because now you're uncomfortable because you're watching someone else be uncomfortable. I understand this is. This is not the best part of a holiday season or anything, but it gets easier and better the more that we're able to practice it. So like my client, the person may go away, but then come back a minute later so that you have to keep doing it or they may start begging in some way. Oh, come on. Oh, you're, are you on a diet? Oh, why aren't you doing this? This is terrible. It's a holiday, you know, live a little, any of those sorts of things. And you can, it's just an opportunity for you to say, no, thank you again.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:18:22]:
If in fact you don't want it, it's a practice opportunity. And you can also sort of divert. So along with the smile or the compliment or the ooh, can I have a recipe? You're diffusing the situation so that they're talking about something else. And the third way to handle a food pusher when you don't want the food is a version of lying. And I, you know, Bill Ford, lying to me is sort of harsh, but I want, I used it because I wanted us to be clear that that's what it is. And you may really like your reasons for not telling the whole truth. And some of the versions of lying are like taking it and sort of pushing it around the plate so not really eating it, but looking like you're eating it. Or you can say, oh, let me take some home.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:19:10]:
And then you toss it. Or I mean, maybe you eat it. But it's a way to sort of dodge the situation. And if you like your reasons, then that can work. Well, if you don't like your reasons, you're risking damaging the relationship you have with yourself because you know you don't want it and then you take it anyway. And if we do that without liking our reasons, and this is why this is an important caveat, if you have an 89 year old grandmother who wants you to have another, you know, helping and you don't want it, but she's going to forget two minutes later. Like, you may be like, I'm going to take it, I'm just going to push it around. I'm going to go over here, I'm going to toss it or put it in a container, whatever.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:04]:
You may love your reasons for that, you may be like, not worth it. I'm very happy to put a smile on grandma's face. Amazing. I'm talking about lying when it feels incongruent with what you're thinking and feeling. That's the piece that I want us to examine. If we catch ourselves doing that one, it may be worth it to clean it up. And I'm just going to put that out there. If you like your reason, like, Uncle Fred gets angry, maybe like, nope, I'm no reason for Uncle Fred to get angry.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:52]:
I'm going to take this, whatever it is, and just put it over here. That may be a great reason, but if there isn't a reason that you like, if it's just that you're in habit of saying yes and chewing and swallowing for things, when you have food pushers, I invite you to start thinking of it in this different way, that it's their anxiety and you can give it back to them to handle. So there you have it, the food pusher episode. And just to wrap it up, the three main points. Food pushers are just confused. They think that you are responsible for their feelings and you aren't and you actually never could be. It's an inside job. Two, you don't have to eat anything you don't want to ever.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:21:52]:
And three, we talked about the three ways to handle food pushers. A polite no thank you with no explanation needed. An explanation of I'm not hungry or I'm full or I've had enough and you may have to tolerate their reaction, which is only a feeling for you. Tolerating their reaction is just a temporary feeling where you might feel guilt or discomfort of some sort. Anxiety. It will pass if you let it be there. There's nothing wrong with having that sort of feeling. We'll just let it pass through.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:22:29]:
And the third is a version of lying, taking it and pushing around or taking it home or dumping it in the plant or whatever. And if you like your reason for that, that can work out well. And if you don't like your reason, that's a good piece of information for us to have. I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful holiday. I hope it's full of joy and love and connection. If you have these sorts of interactions, I hope there's lots of learning that happens from them and I'm sending you so much love. Until next week.
