Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:00]:
Hello, fabulous. It's Dr. Stephanie Fine here with Weight Loss for Fertility. And I want you to know there is no such thing as cheating in sustainable weight loss. I'm going to tell you what I mean. So I had a beautiful client who had dessert on the weekend and considered it cheating. When we were talking about it, she labeled it as cheating. And we had such a really great conversation about that that I thought, hmm, that's something I want to bring to you guys.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:32]:
So it's a really worthwhile concept to discuss here. That word cheating is a sure sign that we're in diet mentality, that there's a right way and a wrong way. Good, bad food, you know, cheating, that whole idea and diet mentality is something we work to heal around here. I have an entire episode On it, episode 60. We'll hook that up in the show notes, but for a definition. It's the label I give to the culture of dieting where we restrict and deprive in an effort to lose weight. It results in temporary weight loss. I call it yo yo weight gain and an erosion of the relationship we have with ourselves.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:23]:
To me, that's the biggest, biggest, most important part. The worst part of diet mentality is that erodes the relationship we have with ourselves, which has consequences for the rest of our life. So when we heal that, that also has consequences for the rest of our life. The erosion happens because we're asking ourselves to do something we don't want to do and or can't keep doing. When we're talking about dieting, that restriction and deprivation, when we're asking it to restrict things, it goes against what our body wants and needs and desires we have. It's not taking ourselves into account at all. And that is just a setup for failure. And we can see that because that's exactly what happens with all traditional diets.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:19]:
At some point, whether they last a week, a month, three months, one day, you know, they are a set of for failure because there goes against everything that we want and feel. And then we can't keep doing it. We don't want to do diet mentality thinking because it doesn't work and it damages the relationship we have with ourselves. It gives ourselves rules that we cannot obey, and then we blame ourselves when we can't obey them. We punish ourselves for it. And that's just such a. That's a mean setup is how I think about it. So around here, we look for any signs of diet mentality coming up so that we can heal them, heal the habit of blaming and punishing ourselves.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:14]:
Because when we heal this relationship, this damage that we've done, we enter a whole new way of thinking about ourselves and food. We change the relationship we have with ourselves and the relationship we have with food. And then eating and weight loss becomes so much easier and long term, it's really the only way we can get to long term weight loss is if we change our relationship with food, not just beat ourselves up for two months and then hope for the best. It just, it does not work that way with the sustainable weight loss, with the weight loss for fertility way. There's nothing you have to go on or off. There's not a diet that you have to restrict and deprive and then you go on and you off it. It's just a way of eating that works for your body, it works for your life, and it works for your sweetheart, which is the center of you, which we need to protect. That's the place where the relationship is with yourself.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:15]:
And we need that to be a loving, strong, beating heart. So let's dig into the concept of cheating. And whenever I'm saying cheating in my brain, there are air quotes around it just so you know the concept of cheating. So first things first is words matter. And we've talked about this concept before, it comes from cognitive behavioral therapy. And it's that thoughts create feelings and feelings motivate actions. That's the direction it goes in. We think a thought first, we may not, may or may not be conscious of it, but we think a thought, it leads to a feeling.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:59]:
And from that feeling we take action or inaction, right? We could have a feeling that has us doing nothing when we want to do something, like sitting on the couch instead of getting up and, I don't know, doing something that we wanted to do. That's why words matter, because they're thoughts. And so when we cheat, when we use the word cheat and I did this, I used the word and then I looked for the feelings that were coming up in me. And it basically was in sort of two camps. One was sneaky, secretive, ashamed. So when I think that I cheated and I'm going to think about a diet like eating dessert is cheating, I feel sneaky, secretive and ashamed if I say I cheated or the other sort of direction was rebellious, entitled or righteous. Those feelings put us in an adversarial relationship with food and ourselves. Both of those right? Because we are left doing something bad and therefore shameful or guilty or we're saying F you, but to who? Who is the authority? We're rebelling against.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:17]:
It's us. That is a really bad setup. So we're either feeling shame and guilt because something we did was bad, which we've only defined that in our own brain. So, again, this is against ourselves, or we're rebelling against our own selves. It's a very bad setup. And we don't want to be in the position of cheating to feel guilty or oppressed. These, like, those are the two. We can either feel guilty or oppressed when.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:49]:
When we say the word cheating in reference to eating something we think we shouldn't eat. Neither of those feelings leave us motivated or empowered to make decisions towards our goal or to feel good. Those cheating, saying that word, having that word come up is, will never result in some good feeling. They have a spiraling in emotional discomfort. Right? Either the guilt or the shame or the rebellion. And when we're spiraling in emotional discomfort, we don't make good decisions. We're really vulnerable to using food to help us feel better because we're feeling uncomfortable. And if we cope with food, this is the perfect setup.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:45]:
So what's the answer? We want to go from thinking of eating dessert as cheating to making decisions about the foods we eat, including dessert. So back to my client. She is losing weight consistently. Her weeks are super smooth, like during her work weeks, and she feels easier on her food. She's done an amazing job. It's worked out so beautifully. And she's been having desserts on the weekend the whole time. She's been losing weight.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:18]:
She's been having dessert on the weekend. So what's the problem? The problem is the guilt from the diet mentality. Thinking about cheating, that that dessert is cheating. She's been having dessert with her family on the weekend, and she enjoys it. She enjoys being with her family. She likes the dessert. So as far as I can tell, everything's good. The only bad part is the feeling as if she's cheating.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:44]:
So we shift the thinking because clearly having the dessert is not a problem in terms of weight loss. She's been losing weight, so we can't use that against her, which is what diet mentality would like to do. What if she just made the decision to have dessert with her family, deciding, and this is something you could easily do ahead of time, deciding that she will enjoy dessert with her family. She already has enjoyed dessert with her family, but this way, we're just removing the pain around it. And the benefit is she gets to show herself that she can have dessert and still lose weight, still enjoy life the way she wants. To live it. And that is the truth. You can lose weight the way you want to live your life and enjoy your life.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:42]:
You absolutely can. That is what we do here, and you're getting a glimpse of how we do that. But you absolutely can enjoy the things you enjoy. We're just going to make conscious decisions. We're not going to set ourselves up for punishment and blame and guilt. By removing the concept of cheating, we're removing the internal battle. And those internal battles are painful and destructive to our relationship with ourselves. They don't keep us in line.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:20]:
That's air quotes. The internal struggles, the internal battle does not keep us in line. That's what diet mentality thinking would have you believe. But really it's just a setup for failure and blaming ourselves. We want to shift our thinking to decisions. We make decisions about our food kind, conscious decisions, realistic decisions that we can follow through on. Not impossible decisions, not a setup. Like not no sugar forever, but we have our favorite ice cream.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:03]:
Maybe we decide to have it at the shop or maybe we decide to use a bowl instead of eating it out of the carton. It depends where you are on your on the path of weight loss. But doable steps that feel reasonable and kind is the place we start. And then we follow the hunger scale and we do our food date to find out what worked, what didn't, what we're going to do differently. And that's how we move forward. But the whole time it's with our permission, it's with kindness to ourselves. It's something we can do. And when we trust ourselves to make decisions we like that feel doable.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:49]:
We set ourselves up to succeed instead of setting ourselves up to fail. We're setting ourselves up to be proud of ourselves instead of punishing ourselves. And this is how we heal. So not only is this the way to lose weight sustainably, but this is also how we heal our relationship with ourselves and with food that we damaged when we did the diet mentality thinking, by the way, we do diet mentality thinking because we're surrounded by it. We don't know better. It seems reasonable sort of because everybody's doing it and some people lose weight temporarily and so it feels like it should work that way. It's not a. It's not strange that we get sucked into diet mentality.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:39]:
But just because it's everywhere doesn't mean it's correct or that it works. As we're healing by making decisions that are doable, we set ourselves up to win and we show ourselves we can do it. And then we celebrate those wins and we feel motivated to keep going. That's the spiral we get into. It's a good feeling spiral rather than a bad feeling spiral. And that is so much better. I mean, first of all, obviously it feels better, but it actually gets you where you want to go as opposed to the negative one, which does not. I love how that one word, cheating, got us into all of this.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:22]:
It can point us in the direction of healing. And healing equals weight loss, especially if you heal through weight loss. And it's really possible. I mean, this is why I do what I do. There is healing through weight loss. You lose weight, you repair your relationship with yourself and food, and you're able to sustain that weight loss. And you feel so much better, not because of weight loss, but because of the healing. So words matter.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:58]:
We're going to watch for any words that signal diet mentality. And the way we're going to know that is if it feels tight, if we're feeling restricted or deprived, if we can just listen for the words cheating, that will be a sign now that you're alerted to it. But words matter. So we're going to watch for ones that feel like tightness around food. And in sustainable weight loss, which weight loss for fertility is that there is no such thing as cheating. There are only kind, conscious decisions. And that puts us back in relation with our own selves, not an externalized authority, because that never works. That is rebellion or guilt.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:46]:
Those are the only two ways to deal with that, and those don't help us. We want to build trust with ourselves. And ideally, our decisions take our whole lives into account. We're building trust as we make kind, conscious decisions. And when we make these decisions, we're taking our whole life into account. What's possible for us right now, what we enjoy, how we want to feel physically and emotionally. And then not only are we losing weight, we're healing diet trauma and strengthening the loving relationship we have with ourselves and food. It is a win, win, win.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:34]:
And I am so up for it. I can help you. I really can help you with this. If this sounds impossible, I understand why it sounds impossible. But I'm here to say I've seen it over and over and over and over again. And I can help you with this. So lose weight with me. If this sounds like something you want to try, something you are wanting, it's like a deep want, wanting a new relationship with food.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:07]:
And it's such a perfect time to do it because you're going to have children and you will be able to then model your new relationship with food and yourself. And that is an amazing gift to give. Healing it now so that you have it to give once baby arrives. Lose Weight with me. Go to stephaniefinemd.com or weightlossforfertility.com and click the Lose weight with me button. We will be connected. Sending you so, so, so much love. Here's to lots of kind conscious decisions this week and I'll talk to you next week.
