Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:01]:
Hello, fabulous. It's Dr. Stephanie Fein here with weight loss for fertility. I just had a particularly vivid experience at a restaurant last week and I knew it would be helpful to break it down here. So I'm very excited to be here today. It was completely successful, but it wasn't breezy and it just stood out to me because it's not usually like that, but in the beginning it certainly is. And I also always love showing you what it looks like years later. I think it happened because I was out of town, I was out of my element.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:42]:
So I had to lean on my skills, which are my knowledge of myself and my brain, particularly when it comes to food and my skills in managing my thoughts. So that is what we're going to talk about today. And I think it's helpful to see this, that we all have to do it. We just start practicing it and we get better and better at it. So this example will illustrate all the decisions the mind management that happened at a restaurant meal. Or it could potentially of course be at any meal. And you'll see why I think the restaurant meal made it even more so. So here it is.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:24]:
I was away for the weekend and I was in Oregon and I went to a restaurant, Gino's in Selwood, if you would like to know. Loved the atmosphere so much and the food was really interesting and I had to manage my mind a lot of the time once the food came. Now the great news here is I was not starving. Now, now that I'm remembering, I was probably closer to a negative 3, but we did have to wait a bit. It was really cute and it was busy and we were there. But I. It's oh so interesting. I was gonna say I don't think that had anything to do with it, but you never know.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:06]:
That may have had something to do with it. I was not at a negative 4. I was comfortably at a minus 2, maybe towards a 3 by the time the food came. I wasn't even thinking that that was an issue. But you know what, checking out the hunger scale always is a good issue. It's always a good idea because being over hungry absolutely makes it more difficult to stop at enough. We, we tend to want to overeat when we are over hungry. So something to keep in mind.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:46]:
But we ordered and I was excited to have. I ordered bolognese and I have to be gluten free, so I. And they didn't have gluten free pasta, but they had polenta which was a fantastic option. So that's what I Had I had Bolognese over polenta, and. And it was really interesting. There was a lot of nutmeg in it, which is something I'm not used to. I don't. I'm not Italian, but I've eaten a lot of Bolognese in my life.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:15]:
And it's usually sort of tomatoey, you know, that. That sort of bright flavor. But this one was very different. It had nutmeg in it, and I liked it, but I wasn't madly in love with it. But I do think the difference contributed to my wanting to eat more of it. So I ate my fill, which was about half. And I noticed at that point that I was definitely satisfied for sure. But I watched myself take a few more bites.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:49]:
Now, again, part of this could have been attributed to maybe I was closer to a negative 3. It was a new taste. And I have found that sometimes there's, like, an interest, you know, like I want to keep tasting it, even though I just had 8 or 10 tastes of it before. But that's another place to watch the brain that it can say, ooh, I want to taste that again. That actually also wasn't part of the original analysis, but now that I'm looking back on it, I can. I think that those things did contribute, which, by the way, is a little plug for evaluating. Evaluating anything. But some.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:38]:
A meal or a week or any of those things that we talk about here is so valuable because you can start to see different things about it. And what I would take with the closer to negative 3 and the different taste is just to keep that in mind so there's nothing particularly wrong. I always would prefer to eat when I'm at negative 2 than negative 3. But I can take that into consideration as I'm making my decisions. And so a novel taste, which I wasn't planning on. Right. I ordered Bolognese, which I've had many, many times. It was a different one.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:14]:
So that would, now that I'm thinking about it, put me on alert of, like, watching myself here. So when I started noticing that I was taking a couple extra bites, even though I really was perfectly fine, did not need any more, I very quickly noticed that I would keep eating it if it was in front of me. Now, I can manage my mind around this. This is one of the things, remember, we don't do willpower around here. We don't rely on willpower around here because it's a limited resource and it doesn't feel good. It often comes with a harsher way of talking with ourselves. And I don't like that feeling. And it doesn't end well whenever we're speaking to ourselves harshly, either right that moment or just the erosion of the relationship we have with ourselves.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:09]:
So to me, it's not worth it to use harsh language with myself. I'm always going to look for ways to make kind, conscious decisions. And so when I quickly noticed that for all the reasons above, I wasn't. It wasn't going to be super easy to manage my mind around not eating more, I asked for the waitress to box it up. So that is the first of the three things that I wanted to go over for this restaurant meal. The first being that there are many ways to not overeat at a meal. And I tried the first one, which I always like, which is managing my mind, telling myself, you know, you're no longer hungry. And that worked up to a point.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:03]:
And then I just noticed that enough of the other environ that, enough of the other circumstances that day were building up and I could find an easier way, and that was to have the waitress box it up. So environmental control. I love environmental control. I think that that works out really, really well. And it's not cheating or worse or anything. I think it's just a brilliant way of doing it. It's like, don't keep the cookies out on the counter. Put them away.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:38]:
You can manage your mind and fight urges. I don't even like to use the word fight. Allow urges. And you can. But also it's so much easier when you just put the cookies in the pantry or the drawer. So that was number one. I did evaluate the situation. So I noticed what I was doing.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:02]:
I had a hypothesis that I could manage my mind around it. I ended up taking another bite. So I asked for the waitress to put it away. So that's number one, is how I was able to stop overeating at the restaurant at that meal. Again, these are examples of that. These thoughts can always be there. They could be triggered by certain things. You could be more tired, as we discussed in Novel Taste.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:36]:
There's. There could be so many reasons you're having a great conversation with someone. I mean, there's a lot of reasons. And just noticing them and having an example like this, I'm hoping is helpful. So that was the first part. And then. And I haven't touched on this so much, but the box was there and my first thought was to leave it on the table. You know, it happens so often that we box it up and then we just forget.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:04]:
Now I didn't Forget I saw that it was there, and I was deciding on what to do about it. Should I take it? Should I leave it? If I leave it, do I make the waitress feel bad? Maybe they'll come running out to give it to me if I take it, am I taking it because I actually want to eat it? There were. There was a bunch going through my head. And remember, I'm out of town, so we do have a little mini fridge in the hotel. But I wasn't planning on eating it again. I could have, though. This was all this again. This is all the stuff that's running through my head very quickly.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:43]:
And, oh, and I did have a glass of Prosecco, so it's possible that that also was influencing my thinking. Again, this is part that goes into a restaurant meal. All these things. We are deconstructing this experience just because I want to use it as an example of all the thoughts that can happen in your head when you're in a restaurant. But that's why we're going through every single one. But all those thoughts were going through my brain. Okay? And then I. And I do have a habit of doing this.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:19]:
I asked my husband what he thought I should do, which, on a totally separate note, is so interesting that I do that. And what often happens, I've discovered this is I'm really only asking to talk out loud, to say it out loud to know what I think. So the poor guy, if he says something I often will like, he'll say X and I'll choose Y, which, of course, is very frustrating if you're the person who was asked and you give your opinion, and then the person picks the other one. Not fun. So I did ask him, and he said to take it. And his thinking was that he didn't want to have the people run, you know, not know, that I was leaving it on purpose and run out after me. That whole idea, not putting out the waitstaff, which I can certainly understand that. So I took it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:14]:
Now I am thinking of that sort of as people pleasing both people pleasing the waitress and people pleasing my husband. That can happen. So it's not the end of the world. But it's interesting to note I noted that for myself. Looking back on it, I would have left it, and maybe they would have run out after me, and that would have been a bummer. So I did avoid that. But I also think they could have just thrown it away. You know, it's funny, this is.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:48]:
This is a real life example, because as I'm speaking it out loud, I I'm having the thoughts around it. And I was so clear that I would definitely have left it. And now that I'm thinking of inconveniencing the other people, I'm thinking my husband was right. That is so fascinating. It's just very valuable to. To think about your thoughts, to evaluate the situation. You get different insights. Anyway, then I took the box.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:22]:
So now I have the box. So that's two, right? It's the overeating. I ended up using environmental control, although I did hypothesize that I could manage my mind around it, and that wasn't working. So I did environmental control. Then there was the leaving the box or taking it and this idea of people pleasing. I don't think that people pleasing is all bad now. It is. If it costs you.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:48]:
And if I ended up eating this food when I didn't want to, we could argue that that would cost me. It also cost me to physically, you know, take it that. That I don't think ends up being important. But if I ate it when I didn't want to, and one of the remedies would have been that I left it, we could argue that that was against me. But being kind to my husband in taking his advice when I asked for it, and. Or being kind to the waitstaff in that they then didn't have to deal with my food, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Certainly, if there's a project that you don't want to do, but your best friend's asking you to do it and you don't want to do it, and then you say yes because you are concerned about the relationship with your friend. You know, these sorts of things.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:46]:
There's definitely people pleasing situations that can be problematic. I don't think this is one of them, but I do think it factored in. So that's the reason I'm bringing it up in a restaurant situation is that we certainly can have those here, try my food. And you don't want to, you know, and you do it anyway. Like, there are many situations in a restaurant meal where people pleasing can come into play, and we get to decide right then and or after how we feel about that. So that's just another example in this restaurant meal. So here I have. I have my leftover food, and now I have decisions to make, right.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:31]:
Am I going to put it in the fridge? I will need a fork. Where will I get that? When will I eat? Needs to be heated up. We happen to have a microwave, and there are two So I was like, oh, I could heat it up. I mean, it was really an interesting exercise. So I did not throw it out immediately upon exiting the restaurant. What happened was my brain started wondering, do I need it? And then it was very familiar. And we've, we've talked about this on, even on recent episodes about wasting food. It wasn't so much wasting food as will I need it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:12]:
It was like scarcity. Like, I'm not in my house where there's plenty of food. I'm somewhere where it might be, take more effort to get food. And so maybe this is a good idea to have it. This is my brain. The truth, of course, is I could get food when I needed it. I could pop downstairs, I could order it. I mean, there was a million different things I could do, but it was almost like a safety blanket, like, should I have food in case I'm hungry? Kind of idea.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:41]:
But the truth is, I. It was not necessary. So I sort of finally made that decision, including the one that I thought it would be better to not have it anymore. Remember, it wasn't my most favorite Bolognese either. This is why it's so interesting what goes on in our brain. It's just that I should have this food in case I get hungry when I have access, though not the same as home to food anytime I want. It's a bit of a scarcity mindset and it doesn't feel good to me. And, and if I had clear reasons to keep it, I certainly would.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:25]:
But even as I was ready to throw it out, I hesitated. And that's why we're talking about this right now. I watched my brain say, what if I want it later, after I had already thought through all the scenarios and made the kind conscious decision to throw it away. Still, at the last minute, I had to be very conscious about deciding to put it in the trash can. And there was some discomfort. I'm going to use the word discomfort because it wasn't like so many other decisions with food that are just so simple. I don't want this. Let me throw it away.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:15]:
I'm not going to eat this later. No problem. I'm done with my food. I can easily stop. This was an example for me. Again, for reasons that I'm not entirely sure, but we broke down some of them. This was harder for me. Again, I think it's being away was also part of it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:38]:
So there was almost like a speed bump, I'm going to call it to throwing it away where normally it would be not even an issue and here my brain kept giving me, what if I want it later? What if I want it later? And the bigger picture of it was that it made the most sense to get rid of it. But I still had to deal with the automatic thought, what if I want it later? And what I was able to do, I had to notice that urge, feel it, allow it to be there, and make the kind, conscious decision to throw it away. By the way, this was all hovering over the trash can. I was actually at the trash can when all this was happening. And that skill in being able to make the decision that feels a little uncomfortable is the skill of permanent weight loss. And it was definitely there, but it wasn't painful, it wasn't impossible, it wasn't gritting it with willpower. It was noticing the thought, recognizing it as an old pattern that isn't functional right now, and then gently redirecting my brain. So this is all normal.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:19:14]:
These are old grooves that are never going to go away. They're always there. But everything gets easier. It's the work of permanent weight loss. It's allowing. I call it allowing. Allowing is a learned and practiced skill. And it uses mind management.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:19:31]:
That's how I call it. That can sound a little funny, but it's managing our thoughts and the steps in managing our thoughts. Noticing the thoughts, that's always the first. Recognizing the old patterned ones, knowing that they're no longer serving us in our new goal, in the new way we want to have a relationship with food. And then we gently redirect them so we're not forceful, we're not punishing, we're not shaming, we're not guilting the thoughts for being there. We're gently. We notice them and we're still making a kind, conscious decision that's different than that thought that was given to us. It gets easier, but it will always be there.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:14]:
And practice is what makes it easier and easier. And then sometimes it'll come, like if you go away, like if you're in a different environment, you know, if you're tired again, there could be reasons why it can pop up when it hasn't been there for a long time. So the meta skill here is allowing, allowing our thoughts to be there, allowing discomfort with those thoughts, with changing the way we respond to the thoughts, of choosing new thoughts. It's very similar to urge work. That idea of allowing an urge, allowing a thought to be there and not acting on it, making a different decision. It's not a problem that those thoughts are there. There is no need to judge the fact that my brain kept saying, maybe you're going to want it for later, maybe you'll want it for later. Oh, we should keep it, you may want it for later.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:21:14]:
There's no reason to judge the fact that my brain does that. It's just an opportunity to practice the skill. And this skill of allowing the discomfort of my brain saying one thing and I want to do another is useful in changing our relationship with food. But also in so many places in our lives when we want to be on time, but we want to do one more thing when we want to go to sleep, but we're still scrolling when we there's so many places that our groove brain will give the thought and we want to gently do something else that we know or that we want for us that we think will be better for us. More sleep, better relationship with food, being on time, anything like that. This, allowing, this, managing the thoughts around food that come up. This is the skill of permanent weight loss. It's evidence of a strong, trusting relationship with yourself.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:22:19]:
And it's an upward spiral because the better you get at this skill, the stronger, more trusting your relationship with yourself becomes. So you have your best interest at heart and your actions show it. Your actions, your new actions, your gentle redirecting is what breeds the trust for yourself. And that just builds stronger and stronger. You know you'll have your own back. You're not punishing yourself, you're seeing what's happening, you're kind about it and you're redirecting to get what you want. Now I can help you learn this. This is what I do.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:23:04]:
And you lose weight permanently in this process. So lose weight with me. Go to my website, stephaniefinemd.com or weight lossforfertility.com gets you to the same place. You just hit the lose weight with me button and we will be connected. I would love to help you with this. It really makes a difference. So now I get to see my restaurant experience in all its glory. I had fantastic conversations.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:23:31]:
The ambiance was amazing. I enjoyed the different food. And also I had this three pronged experience that I told you about. It was a small slice of it, but it stood out to me because my thoughts were so clear. It was very easy to notice that they were different than they usually are. And I wanted you to see how to manage those thoughts. It's not a problem. And you can get better and better at it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:24:00]:
And then we have permanent weight loss. So until next week, I'm sending you love.
