Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:00]:
Hello, fabulous. It's Dr. Stephanie Fein here with weight loss for fertility. And today we're talking about black and white thinking. We've done that before, but I have an example for you. Whenever I have one of those, you just pop right into my head. I'm like, ooh, this is so good. Gotta get that in a podcast.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:19]:
So that is what we're talking about today. Black or white, thinking all or nothing, thinking win or lose, thinking we want to get better at gray, at partial, at some, at neutral. Rather than win or lose, we want to be able to hold steady because that's how we make progress. All or nothing does not work, particularly in weight loss. I'd argue in everything. But we talk about weight loss around here. And the example, of course, of all or nothing thinking not working is yo yo dieting, getting to goal, the gaining it all back or losing some weight and yet gaining it back. The flip flop, the yo yo that is the quintessential all or nothing doesn't work.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:15]:
Now, that's our limited definition of working, right? If our limited definition of is I lose weight, then I guess it works. But if you gain it back, did it work? Your real goal is always permanent weight loss. I mean, you could argue that I just want to, you know, fit in my wedding dress and look good at my wedding, but I bet even after that, you would rather keep the weight off than gain it back. The goal really always is, and we don't state it this way all the time, but the goal really is sustainable weight loss, sustained weight loss. We want to release the weight and never get it back. And we cannot do that with restriction and deprivation, which is what yo yo is, right, that we change things so dramatically. But then we can't keep that up. And so we gain it back.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:13]:
We go back to the way we used to be eating. What we need for sustainable weight loss is permanent change. Now, that could feel really scary because we only think of all or nothing, right? So if we think permanent change, our brain's like, oh, permanent change. No carbs ever. You know, no eating past 7:00 ever. You know that the harsh diet rules come in and it's as if those have to be the rules forever. It's not. It's a completely different animal.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:43]:
Gray is totally different than black or white. And my argument here that I will try to support, and actually my life's work is supporting this, is this idea that gray is the only way forward. It's the only way, because the answer is progress, not perfection. Progress, not perfection. I First heard this from Marie Forleo. It's such an important point. Of course. Our brain's like, no, we want perfection.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:21]:
Period, end of sentence. I don't understand. Why would we ever not want perfection? Perfection is perfect. That's where we're going, that's what we want. But it's not real. Perfection is, you know, I hesitate to even say that maybe it could be useful. I mean, I suppose in some areas the idea of it, but you know, only if we're kind about it. Only if we really see that a goal of perfection is just sort of a north star, a place to head, that we don't really expect that of ourselves, particularly when we're just starting out, then the concept could be okay.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:02]:
But really the reason it's not okay most of the time is because we use it as a weapon against ourselves. If I'm not perfect, I'm terrible. That's the all or nothing. And so again, for most of us, it's not useful. We want to think of things as doing better than we did before. That is so such an important goal. This idea of comparing ourselves to ourselves, not comparing ourselves to other people, but comparing ourselves to ourselves. This shows progress.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:35]:
And remember, progress, not perfection. Progress will get us everywhere we want to go. Because a lot of times and not all the time in weight loss we move the goal line. Now in weight loss we do that sometimes and it's fine. Like I always talk about, first we're going to lose 5% because that's what has shown physiologic change to improve ovulation, to improve the physiology, get different follicles, more follicles, better egg quality, all that sort of stuff. 5% and then 10% and depending on how much is needed, we can go from there. So we do move the goalpost because we have to go through 5% to get to 10%. But that's all progress.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:24]:
We're making progress. So I want to give you an example. So four times a week I'll do a walk. In the morning I like to do a hike and I have a close by hike and it is. What is it? It's 3.33 miles, you know, not exactly, but it's around there and it takes me a while, it takes me over an hour to do that. But I also, if I don't have an hour, I have a neighborhood walk that I do sort of two laps, you know, around this, some houses and that's two and three quarters miles and that takes me just under an hour. So sometimes I Do that. So this particular morning, I was getting some things done in the morning and, and it was time to do my walk and I had other things that I had to do the rest of the day and I was not going to be able to fit, you know, I definitely couldn't fit the hike and so I was going to do the neighborhood walk and I could not fit my two laps in.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:27]:
And so I had a choice, do I do the walk? Because now I can't do even my second tier one. And I did do the walk and I just, I did a modified version. It ended up being two miles and I have some practice with this, but I still heard the voice of it's not enough. Try to fit it in, go faster. That's definitely what I could have done, right, Is sort of forced myself to walk faster jogging. Then I could get the 2.75 in or, or be late to the rest of my day. And I was unwilling to do that anymore. I used to be, I would, I used to, I would have tried that before.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:22]:
And what would have happened is I would have tried it and it wouldn't have worked. And so then I would have been rushing the rest of the day. So I've had this experiment already. That's why I was impressed with my own self of being able to decide calmly and happily to do a modified neighborhood walk and not expect that I'm going to walk faster in a way that I didn't want to do or that I was going to give up the shower or the breakfast and all the rest of the stuff that I wanted to do in a way that would set myself up for a nice day, not a rushed, compressed day. I chose my sanity. And it's like I have to stress how excited I was that I was able to do that. I don't want to. It was easy, but it wasn't completely easy.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:23]:
It wasn't, it wasn't all or nothing. My brain absolutely was saying, oh, come on. Oh, really? Oh, maybe, I don't know. This isn't great. You didn't get the whole thing done. It was saying that, but not super loudly, not really meanly, but it was absolutely there. I was willing to tolerate and allow those thoughts to be there in the background because I was saying other things to myself like, oh, this is great. I'm so impressed that you're.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:02]:
That you put the walk that you got the walk in and I'm so impressed that you're going to have a nice rest of your day that you didn't choose to Sort of sabotage the rest of the day just for this piece. And I knew I wasn't going to beat myself up for it. That allowed me to do it. And then after I did my walk and after I had my day, I was able to sort of sit down and think, oh, what happened there? That didn't allow me to do the walk the way I wanted to do it. And this is an evaluation. We do these in weight loss for fertility, and they're so useful. I did not do this evaluation in a way of beating myself up. Like, I can't believe you weren't able to do your walk.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:51]:
What is wrong with you? That's not how we do an evaluation, my friends. We do what worked, what didn't. What am I going to do differently? So I was able to look at it. It looks like I took a little longer with my emails. I did like a load of laundry that I didn't quite fit in. Right. I woke up a little bit later than I normally do. It all made sense.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:14]:
There were reasons why. And now that I've evaluated, now I've seen what it is, I can decide, am I going to put an alarm on? Am I going to move when I'm going to do the laundry? If I have emails that are going too long, what am I going to do about that? I have sort of a to do list now from the evaluation. And I have that in a kind way. That's not a problem. I'm able to make decisions. I could be like, you know what, Actually I was really happy I did my laundry. I got that done. There were just more emails.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:45]:
Okay, so some days I may have two miles instead of two and three quarters. That is my choice. When I'm aware of it, I can make that or I can say, no, you know what, I really want my walk. So I'm going to move the emails and I'm going to do the laundry a different time. This is how we make the progress. And I was allowed to see that because I didn't demonize myself for having less time and adjusting my walk. This other piece of this is I was really proud. I continued my walk, that I went on my walk because everything adds up.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:25]:
That's a really important piece. This is that progress, not perfection. Right? Everything adds up. If I did all or nothing. So I was either going to do my whole walk, it wouldn't have fit in, so I would have done nothing. My mood wouldn't have improved. Being outside is so helpful for mood and outlook and daylight exposure for your circadian Rhythm for your hunger. I wouldn't have moved, my muscles wouldn't have been my.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:52]:
There's so many things that wouldn't have happened. But I had those things because I decided to go for the walk. So everything adds up. Each bite left on the plate when you're no longer hungry, each flight of stairs, each 30 minutes more of sleep, each glass of water, each kind word said to yourself or someone else. Maybe they're not the perfect words. Maybe you don't say them as much as you want to, but every one the progress adding makes a difference. What really adds up, what really is built is the muscle of being willing to try. Being willing to do it messy and imperfectly.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:40]:
The only way we get better is to actually try it. Not in our heads. That's the way I wish it would have worked, that I could just rehearse it in my brain and then it comes out. This is why languages was hard for me because I only ever wanted to sound perfect and so I wouldn't try and fumble. My friend who did a semester abroad and my friend was very good at trying. She just talked and fumbled and of course everyone was so kind to her and they thought it was amazing. And she was befriended by everyone and everyone just thought she was the greatest thing. And I was silent in the corner.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:21]:
It's so now. It did not feel great at the time, but now looking back, it's so easy to see she was just willing and she reaped rewards from that. And that's what I want for you. I want you to be the fumbly lovable one who learns and gets what she wants. And that absolutely can happen in weight loss. And when we do it this way. So the only way we get better is to try. Not in our heads, but actually try.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:55]:
And we can try a recipe, we can try words of condolence, which can be so uncomfortable, but so worth trying. We can try a new route, we can try a new software, we can try the hunger scale. There's so many things to actually try, but actually try not just think about each one of these I would consider is gray. We're talking about. We need more gray in weight loss. Each one of these things, trying these things is considered gray. Messy needs more practice. We have to be willing to tolerate feeling uncomfortable.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:37]:
And specifically the discomfort is when the brain's thinking you're doing this wrong, this isn't enough, it's not worth it, this isn't good. When our brain says those things and I don't remember the model, so the model is Thoughts create feelings, create actions, create results. So the thought comes first and we get a feeling from it. So if the brain says you are doing this wrong, that feels terrible. You're doing this wrong. Ugh. Or that's not enough, like for my walk. Oh, that's not enough.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:17]:
That does not feel good. And so my willingness to tolerate my brain saying that and my brain is only saying that because it's a habit thought, these thoughts don't feel good. And when we're not aware of the thoughts, we just feel terrible. Right? So if we're not aware that our brain is saying you're doing this wrong or that's not enough, it's thinking it anyway and we just feel bad. So we stop trying or we don't even start because we avoid the possibility of feeling terrible. But if we're aware, if we're starting to notice the thoughts that are coming and we notice these thoughts, they are just habit thoughts. They are born from when we're young. There's lots of theories about it and it usually comes from a baby where the baby is developmentally self centered, of course.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:10]:
And so it thinks everything is about it, right. I'm not enough, I'm doing it wrong. Everything is about them. And so it becomes a habit thought and they feel terrible. But if we're willing to feel uncomfortable because of these predictable thoughts, right. We can see what our patterns are, that these predictable thoughts will flood our brain when we're trying something that we're not great at yet. Then we can notice the thoughts. We can notice them and we speak kindly to them.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:41]:
So we don't say stop, I refuse to think you thought. We just notice that they're coming and we speak kindly to them. Oh, there you are. Oh, I was expecting you. Oh, of course you're there. No problem. I understand. We're going to do it anyway.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:00]:
And then we let them sort of float in there. It's okay, it's not a problem that they're there. We are now going to choose other thoughts and those ones are nice try. I'm so proud of you for trying this. This is exactly how we get better. This will get easier and easier. Those thoughts, if we say those things to ourselves, we installing new habit thoughts. If we say them over and over again.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:28]:
These other ones, it's not enough. You're doing this wrong. Those are habitual because it's been decades. So we need to try these other thoughts over and over again to get them in there. Good try. I'm so proud of you. This will get Easier. Those thoughts feel better, don't they? You could try them on.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:52]:
This will get easier. Feels great to me. I'm so proud of you. That feels amazing. So saying it to ourselves, when we're in the process of progress of trying, that is the way we keep going. The skill is being able to catch the phrases, see them for what they are, which are habit thoughts and not appropriate for the occasion. Right. Because we're trying something new.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:18:22]:
So it's not appropriate to say, you're doing it wrong. Yeah, we may be. We're trying something new. It's okay. So the thing about those habit thoughts are they'll just generalize, go everywhere. But if we're watching them, we can say, oh, oh, that's not an appropriate thought for right now because this is something new. So we're proud of ourselves. Good job.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:18:43]:
Good try. Excellent work. So when we're talking about all or nothing, black or white, thinking all would be doing it perfectly, which is impossible since we've never done it before. We're trying something new. Nothing would be trying nothing. Right? Staying stuck, not finding a new food, not connecting with kindness or providing comfort to a friend, not finding a shortcut, not being able to do the job, not losing weight. That's what nothing would be. All is everything.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:19:15]:
Perfection. Nothing is being stuck. We want to do the progress. That's the only way we can do it. And as we get better at things, as we get better at being willing to do things, that's what we want to get better at, being willing to do things. We will do more things. We will lose weight and then more weight and then get to our goal. We will surprise and impress ourselves.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:19:44]:
We will show ourselves where we've grown. Nothing's better than that. To me, I love seeing where there is progress, like a similar situation, and you see how you're handling it different. We measure the progress not in perfection or the end goal, but but in pounds on the scale or partial pounds on the scale. Inches, size of portions. This has happened so many times when clients are saying, I ordered a medium and I couldn't even finish it because I'm using the hunger scale. I used to order a large and polish it off. That's a real measured progress.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:25]:
Pant sizes, ovulation, number of follicles, number of emotions that you're aware of that are happening in your body, ability to keep your cool. We can measure in things you don't do where you normally would, have, like, flown off the handle and you didn't. There's so many places to measure progress. That's not end goal, not perfect and it's not nothing. Gray is so important for weight loss. When we decide we will live in the gray, we will stop the all or nothing version. We're choosing long term success and that's what we do here. Sustainable weight loss.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:21:11]:
It's sustainable change. We are saying. We will allow the discomfort of mean brain habit sayings. We will say encouraging things instead. We will watch for places to celebrate every noticeable progress and then we'll watch our lives move in the direction we want for us here. That's weight loss. Permanent change in our relationship with food and eating. We do that with the hunger scale.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:21:41]:
But first we have to be willing to live in the gray. Not all or nothing, but progress. And that concept is so vital to permanent weight loss that we talked about it the whole time right here, right now. I would love to talk to you about this. Reach out to me on Instagram @StephanieFeinMD LinkedIn or on my website stephaniefeinmd.com I would love to help you with this. If you have questions, send them to me. I am sending you so much love and I will see here next week. Bye.
